Insights and Thoughts

Self-limiting beliefs associated with shame can stop you completely in your tracks!  It doesn’t matter if your own actions have brought shame upon yourself or if the shame has been foisted on you by others, the result is still the same. Shame can stop you from taking any steps forward, it can bury you in inertia, in a man made coventry.

It is said the real tragedy of Judas’s life was not his betrayal, but his ending in despair—his hopelessness that led him to see himself as beyond the realm of God’s mercy and forgiveness, as truly abandoned and forsaken and buried in shame.

Dr. Andrew Swafford

The quote above gives you an understanding of how someone can hold so much shame and self-judgement for the action or harm they have caused.  They feel others will never forgive them, sending them further down the path asking ‘how will I live with myself?’.  However painful shame may feel, it’s a step forward where they are actually self-aware, facing the truth of the situation.  There are large parts of humanity who are unaware the words they speak and the actions they take harm others.  Or they are aware but not prepared to face it. 

The truth is not an easy pill to swallow. People need strength to face their role in the harm they have done to others, to want forgiveness, to want to be a better person. It takes strength to face this to the point of learning from their mistakes and wanting to make amends which then releases the shame and allows them to move forward.  They stop living in the past and start living in the present focussed on the future.  It takes continuous strength to be a better person.

Then we have shame that has been put on a person, often from youth, creating a self-limiting belief.  Although they’ve done nothing which would be considered wrong, they feel shame for what has been passed on to them.  Religion and culture are some examples where boundaries are set and any action outside of the boundary brings shame to that person as well as the group. This can often lead to defining that person.

What if they realised lifting these beliefs can free them from that path, would that make a difference to their identity and therefore their actions going forward? Would they make amends and become a better person, a truer version of themselves? And if they did, think about how that would positively impact the wider community. It’s incumbent on us all to create a space where everyone feels loved, flaws and all.

Having said that, it definitely starts with ourselves. We can’t sit back and expect others to create that space. It can feel threatening taking a look inside and acknowledging our mistakes because this can make us feel bad or not good enough, however the freedom we gain from facing that challenge far outweighs those feelings. 

SHAME - A FEELING OF HUMILIATION OF THE SELF:

• A person can hold so much shame they feel there’s no turning back so they continue on the path they are on even if they know it to be wrong

• These beliefs can be used to control you i.e. if I do that it will bring shame upon the family, the church, the culture etc

• Can be used as a way to make yourself feel better i,e, through shaming someone else you believe you will look better to everyone else

• Being forced to do something as others believe your actions are shameful and will ultimately shame them 

• Being punished for your actions whether through your fault or someone else's as they bring shame upon someone else 

• Learned shame - being told repeatedly something is wrong (and it might not be) until you feel ashamed

• Triggered shame - an act that has been done to you physically to bring shame to you, that triggers a fight or flight response

BELIEFS SUCH AS:

• I’ve gone too far now there’s no coming back from this shame

• I feel so guilt ridden and shameful nobody could possibly forgive me

• I’m too embarrassed/ashamed to show my face again

• If I try and don’t succeed it will be embarrassing or shameful

• I’ve got to be the best at everything or else I’ll feel embarrassed or ashamed 

• I’ve tried it once and didn’t succeed so I won’t try again because I’ll be too ashamed if I fail again

• I look better when you fail

• Everybody has to act according to the set rules (regardless of if I believe in the rules or not) or they bring shame onto the group

• I have no faith I will be forgiven

• I have to keep this secret (because it is so shameful) or else I will be rejected 

• I don’t want to be vulnerable and let others see me when I’m feeling burdened because that will bring shame

• If I look inside and acknowledge my mistakes, then I’m buying into the story that I am bad or not good enough, and this feels too threatening for me

• I need to act like someone else because who I am makes others feel ashamed of me