NARCISSISM - WOULD YOU RECOGNISE IT?
“Ruia taitea, kia tū ko taikākā”
— Strip away the sapwood, the heartwood remains
As we continue our journey breaking the connection to self-limiting beliefs associated with ‘control’ and understand the extremes of this, it’s no surprise the healings for those weeks are all themed around narcissism. We’ve come to realise this is more prevalent than you can imagine and the impacts are widespread.
As a founder of Next Level Healers, it’s hard to hear our client’s stories without experiencing moments where I’m taken back. I realise it’s time to share my story, to bring more awareness to the topic in the hope others out there will be inspired to take their power back and change their story. A happy ending is waiting for you!
I spent 15 years of living under the control of a Narcissist and yet I had no idea what narcissism meant ... but I certainly knew what it felt like to live with a Narcissist. It was like coming home to a daily meal of control, manipulation, humiliation and isolation, served with a side plate of drama infused with anger and intimidation. It was like listening to a thrash metal record on repeat at full volume when all you wanted to listen to is the soft melody of Kenny Rogers.
Narcissism has many traits, if a narcissist can’t control you directly they’ll manipulate you, to which they are masters of, even using your values of integrity against you. Humiliation starts out as a public poke at you under the pretense of humor, then over the years the public humiliation descends into regular moments where you feel absolute deep shame, while your friends and family feel pity and disgust. The isolation deepens.
Once you’re isolated, a narcissist has free reign to cause whatever harm they want and they often go for the jugular, pushing you to the point of fear and utter despair. I can’t count the amount of times I wanted to end my life, it was only the pain and suffering I would cause my mum that prevented this. Little did I realise I was already causing pain and suffering to my mum and family. I had become a shell of the person they loved so dearly.
While the mental side of my health suffered, my physical side also took a toll. I was heavily medicated for six years for what the doctors classed as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). My nervous system was screaming for help, with my pain at its worst when I was driven to utter despair.
How did I even get into this situation? Why did I stay so long? Well it didn’t happen overnight. It happened over a period of time, little by little chipping away until I was so deep in a hole I was in complete darkness. I later likened this behaviour to Adolf Hitler: "The best way to take control over a people and control them utterly is to take a little of their freedom at a time, to erode rights by a thousand tiny and almost imperceptible reductions. In this way, the people will not see those rights and freedoms being removed until past the point at which these changes cannot be reversed”.
Having support is huge, my mother was there for me 100%. Self-healing (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually) and manifestation was how I recovered parts of myself to give me inner strength. With each healing it gave me the clarity and courage to end the madness and rebuild the warrior where I no longer had fear. I grew tall and strong!
Three weeks after I ended the relationship I halved my medication! I couldn’t believe it, I had manifested being medication-free and thought it was a pipe-dream. And I kept reducing it by half every week thereafter until I was completely off. I was so stoked! Within three months everything had started falling into place. I had regained my spark. Relationships with close friends and family were rekindled. Big career opportunities presented themselves and to my delighted surprise my financial situation improved significantly, even though I had been hugely disadvantaged by the separation. Who could have imagined I’d be here?! I thought I was the luckiest person on the planet!
This experience is well behind me now but there are moments when I am reminded how fortunate I am to have escaped the grips of Narcissism. However, I no longer look at my past with darkness. I look at my past with gratitude for all of my experiences that have made me who I am today, for I am surely blessed. I’m a healer, spiritual warrior and teacher of healers. I am wahine toa.
Written by Leihia Wilson - Next Level Healers